I don’t talk about my feelings very often.
I don’t like to complain, and I don’t want other people to listen to me complain. Everyone has problems; we don’t need to talk about how unfair the world is. I try to make it seem like everything is awesome and I hold in all my negative thoughts.
But today, I felt so overwhelmed by everything that little things bothered me much more than it should. I felt so useless/I wasn’t good enough. Today was just a shitty day. I wish I could do everything over. I cannot think and cannot sleep, and I can’t shake this feeling of “not good enough.” (and someone stole my favorite shirt from the laundry room)
I couldn’t understand why I was so shooken up over insignificant things. After several hours of self loathing, I realized, the core reason I felt upset wasn’t work, or the stolen shirt, or other logistics stuff. I was upset because I miss the feeling of belonging-ness.
The feeling of - it doesn’t matter where you are, or what you’re doing, as long as you’re with the people you “belong” with, you’re in the right place.
I realize NOW I’ve been going about it all wrong. All along, I wanted to make MORE friends, when instead, I probably should have tried to make my friends CLOSER.
That in trying to make MORE friends, and moving forward with life/career, I had to leave behind groups that I felt like I “belonged” to.
Going back down memory lane, these are the group/people that at one point, I REALLY felt like I “belonged.”
My Google Team - look how happy we are. They’re all so smart, but never critical. They’re always complimenting me when I feel like I haven’t deserved it yet.
Berkeley Taekwondo Team (not full team but only group shot I have). Even though I’m not a Berkeley student, and I’m new to the team, they still make me feel so welcome and included.
Connecticut friends - I join them whenever I go home to visit. Even though I’m only in CT one month out of the year, they make me feel part of their group. (I look jacked in these pictures because it’s summer)
My NYU Taekwondo Team - I was the captain and I really did love this team. The girl captain would always be saying “good job guys!! smile =)” and I would always be the bad captain yelling “FASTER FASTER HARDER!!”
Team West Side (I have a lot of taekwondo…) - The hardest place I’ve trained. During the first few months, practice was like an hour of trying not to pass out. But there’s a certain camaraderie when everyone feels like they’re gonna pass out.
My ex girlfriend. I debated whether or not to include her. Besides, she’s just one person not a “group.” But even just one person, she really made me feel “belonged.” Like I was in the right place, and everything is okay. That the place I always wanted to be was next to her. She believed in me more than I believed in myself.
My study abroad suitemates. Best semester of my life! (maybe?) We look like we could be on the cover of GQ Magazine.
Panda boys of 803.
My freshman year “roommates.” Because one of them was not actually our roommate, but he brought a blanket and slept over all the time anyways (even though his own room was just one floor below us).
"MACS" - hahaha such a stupid name, I don’t want to tell you what it stood for.
My high school best friends. I still try to hang out with them when I go home.
My “default” best friend. We don’t keep in touch much, but he’s always the first person that comes to mind when I say the word “best friend.” We don’t have many pictures together like most “best friends.” He doesn’t like anything that’s cliche or cheesy like “best friend pictures.”
High School Senior year group. (Look I used to hang out with white people!)
High School Junior year best friend - we used to talk everyday until 3 AM but now we barely comment on each other’s facebook.
My taekwondo Master - he’s one of my role models. He always told me “I’m not training you to be a great man amongst fighters, I’m training you to be a great man amongst man.” He taught me to always look for the best in people, and to be that good person everyone admires. Virtue was more important than success. I still go back to see him when I can, and every time I do, he tells me that he feels proud.
And of course my family. Which I don’t have a picture of right now because I’m not on my personal computer (these pictures are all from Facebook) - I don’t talk that much with my family, but they know how much I care about them. The reason I try so hard is so my parents can be happy.
The point is… I’m sad that I lost the “close-ness” I felt with these groups. Each of these used to be people that I used to see everyday during the times we were close. Now, I barely see/talk to them.
What good is success if I can’t share it with people I’m close to?
And now I feel lonely =(